"It's not fair! What kind of mother sends her kids to bed without any dinner! It's crap! I hate her! I wish she'd just go away!"
Elaine threw herself onto her bed so as to further complain about her mother's cruelty..
"Seriously!? What is her problem! I didn't do the dishes! O no! But she can go sit and stuff her face while her kids have to go to bed hungry It's crap! It's all crap!"
Elaine sighed and got dressed for bed, knowing fully well that her little sister would be crawling in with her shortly. "Anne! If you plan on sleeping in here, you need to hurry up! I'm tired and it's time to go to bed!"
Running into the room in fear that she might actually have to sleep alone, Elaine's seven year old sister jumped onto the bed and pleaded for Elaine to still allow her to sleep in there.
"Fine, Anne, but next time, you need to hurry up and get in here, I'm tired, and mom's being mean, we need to go to bed."
The girls curled up under the covers and fell deep asleep.
Elaine woke up sweating and wondered what time it was. The sun was up, so it was obvious that the day had long begun without her and she crawled out of bed to use the restroom. "I guess Anne went to bed with mom. O well." After seeing that her dad was for sure up, Elaine crept back to her room so as to avoid any chores she might be forced to do at whatever unholy hour it currently was, and snuck back to bed.
"Johnna! Johnna! Wake up! Get up now!" Elaine shot out of bed, unsure of what was happening. "Oh my God! Johnna! Wake up!" She ran out to the hallway to see why her dad was yelling frantically and saw him run to the living room and pick up the phone. She didn't know exactly who he was calling, but he didn't push more than three buttons. "Yes, my wife won't wake up, I need someone here, right now!" She couldn't remembering seeing her dad this shook up her entire life, but at this moment in time, he seemed about as in control and powerful as a child.
"Daddy, what's going on," she asked, petrified that she could be right. He never answered her. Weakly, she made her way to the hallway and faced her parents' room. Her mother was laying perfectly still, her skin completely pale with the exception of several dark brown, perfectly circular spots. She felt the room spin and fell to the ground. She couldn't breathe and felt as if she would vomit at any second. "No!" She managed to scream before breaking down into a hysterical fit of tears and snot. "Mama, no. Not yet." Everything around her blurred and she felt as if she was watching a movie one might pass by on Lifetime. The police and ambulance showed up and began to ask her, her father, and her two siblings a series of questions. Did her mother do drugs, was she suffering from any medical problems. The room kept spinning.
"We don't have any teddy bears in the truck or we'd give you guys one"
"That's fine I don't want one" Numbness. The room spun faster.
"Your neighbor is here to get you and take you to her house" Cold. The room wouldn't stop spinning. Why wouldn't everyone stop trying to convince her that her mother was dead? Her mother wasn't dead. She still needed her. Who would tell her when to clean, or do homework, or take a shower, or go to bed. Who would take care of them. Who would keep everything together? The room kept spinning and she couldn't keep track of everything that was happening. Someone came in and led her and her siblings outside. The cool late-winter air hit her face and forced her to breathe again. It smelled cold. It smelled as if it might begin snowing. She hoped it would. No need for sunshine and cool breezes when the world was ending. They passed a neighbor's house who unwelcomingly asked what was happening. "Their mother just died" the woman told her. "O, poor dears." She immediately hated them. How dare they pity her. Her mother would be okay. They didn't know what was going on. Everyone was simply jumping to conclusions. Her mother would be okay. Wouldn't she?
"Elaine, is there anyone you'd like to call, sweetheart?"
"Yes." The woman handed her the phone and she dialed the one person she could stand seeing at that moment.
"Can I talk to Beth," she whispered into the telephone.
"Hey! What's up??!''
"She's gone. She really is." Elaine broke into hysterics.
“Who's gone? Who's gone, Elaine??!”
“My mommy!” Elaine felt her body shake and couldn't bear to hold the phone anymore.
"What?! How can she be dead! She can't be!" her friend managed.
Elaine ran to her neighbor and gave her the phone. She began apparently talking to her friend's mother seeing as how she was very calm and objective. Elaine sat on the stairs of her neighbor's house; catatonic, almost statuesque. When her friend finally arrived, after what seemed like hours, they headed to a bedroom to get on the computer, laughing, acting as if this were just another day.
"Is mommy gonna be okay?" Anne asked as they made their way down the hall. No one answered her. They logged onto the computer and began to laugh and talk about boys and school and teachers. Nothing seemed to be different until another friend showed up. Elaine wasn't sure how this friend had found out, but welcomed the company. Being alone was the very last thing she wanted. The three girls headed outside and did the one thing that it made sense to do for thirteen year old girls in a time of chaos and confusion. Pray.
Elaine woke with tears on her face. She felt as if she'd spent all of the previous night vomiting without relief. Her head throbbed, her eyes burnt, and she felt as if she would soon begin another day of emotional regurgitation. She heard several people talking in a room on the other side of the house. The promise of company encouraged her to pull the dead weight she assumed was her body from the bed and walk into the kitchen.
"Where did all of this food come from?" Elaine looked around and realized that her grandmother and an assortment of other relatives filled the house. Her grandmother was the one to answer her.
"Your neighbor's brought it. It was very sweet of all of them. You should make sure to thank them."
Food. God. Could there be anything more welcome and appealing right now than copious amounts of food sent from strangers to show their sympathy and compassion. Chicken Alfredo? Whoever sent her Chicken Alfredo was wonderful person. She scooped a 'healthy' serving onto a paper plate and sat down in the over-sized chair in the middle of the living room. She remembered coming into the living room late at night, her mother working on school work or talking to a friend on-line, and would grab a bag of chips and talk to her mother for hours. Not just her mother, her best friend. She choked back the lump in her throat that was currently restricting her breathing and took a much needed sigh. She took the last bite of food from her plate and walked to the kitchen to throw it away.
"She's dead! She's dead! She's dead! She's never coming back! I don't have a mommy anymore! No one to help me when I have no one to turn to! No one to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Nothing. I'm completely alone!" Elaine rocked back and forth, hugging her knees and shaking violently. She felt completely empty, and yet as if she might vomit, from being too full. Nothing made sense to her. All she knew was she was shaking and that the world had to just fallen to pieces within a matter of hours. "Mom, why? Why did you have to go!? I didn't really want you to leave me alone! I want you to tell me what to do and not to do! I want you to come back! It's not fair! Why did she have to go!" Tears spilled from her eyes as if a bridge had burst and was now flooding the entire world. At thirteen, Elaine felt as alone in the world as someone might if they were the last person in the world. There was no comfort, and she didn't see any end to it. She looked over at her friend, who had come over to comfort her. It was very kind of her, and it did help. Slightly. But in the dead of night, with nothing to distract her, she had absolutely no solace. Elaine felt something creep up her throat and began to heave. She fell back against the wall behind her bed and shook even more violently.
They stood outside the sanctuary of a small church. Elaine's dad flew from the sanctuary. "No! No! No!" Elaine's father knew that her mother was the kind of woman who would never want anyone to see her when she was looking anything less than her best. Despite their best attempts, her family had not met Johnna's standards. Her mother's standards. Part of Elaine was relieved to not have to look at her mother cold dead face. She had been such a vibrant lively person, that anything less would simply be a crime. No matter how much make up they applied, she would still look dead. And yet, she couldn't help but be disappointed that she couldn't look at her mother one more time. To just let herself feel hopeless and to let go of all of her strength and just mourn the loss of such a magnificent human being.
Elaine woke up shaking. She didn't know if she was really cold, or if the events of the past week had simply left her body incapable of retaining warmth. Her face was wet and her eyes stung. It was the day of her mother's funeral. She would have to walk into the small, country church and listen to her mother's uncle talk about her mother, as if he could possibly revive her. She pulled herself off of her grandmother's couch and walked to the bathroom. Still hoping that she was just having a nightmare that seemed real. One might wonder if this is what Chuang Tse had meant.
Elaine was determined not to make a spectacle of herself. Surely no one could possibly judge her, but the idea of blubbering and acting like a fool in front of a large group of people repulsed her. A friend was coming down to be with her at the funeral, for which she was grateful. She couldn't possibly have too much company throughout this ordeal. Elaine's felt as if her cheeks might dissolve. Tears poured from her eyes, burning them and soaking her shirt. She had never been to a funeral and was now convinced that they were the most miserable ceremony that Westerners forced themselves to endure. They had not had a wake for her mother. In hindsight she was grateful that she wouldn't have to suffer through two of these death rituals. Elaine felt her throat tighten up and the tears came up like vomit. She wanted to scream at everyone in there. None of them were grieving enough. Didn't they understand that her mother was dead? Dead! Never coming back no matter what. All of a sudden she felt cold and a chill came over her that made her gag and choke. This was torture. Trying to be quiet and reserved while her mother lay in a coffin in front of all of them. Lifeless. No longer chastising them in her own special way which both amused and embarrassed you to no end, for whatever it was that you had done. This woman was amazing. And now she was dead. No more alive than the box she was to be buried in or the dirt and rocks and mud and grass that would further separate her from the surface of this world. She was gone. Elaine's head spun. Her body shook and all she could think of was how alone she was now.
“Your cousin's cute! Look at his butt!” Elaine and her friend Amanda sat on the trampoline a backyard somewhere down a back road in a small town. Her grandmother's friend had hosted the dinner after her mother's funeral. They were sitting on a trampoline talking, and strangely enough, laughing. Hard. Elaine took pictures with the camera she had received for Christmas. In all actuality, it seemed more like a family reunion than a funeral dinner. But Elaine came to believe that her mother would have preferred it this way. She wouldn't want people crying over her. Mourning her death. She would want them to stand back up, dust the mud off and continue on with their lives, only looking back on her to think of the good times. Of the times she took them off guard. Challenged them. Made them laugh. Pushed them to be better, whether it be intellectually, spiritually, mentally, physically. Regardless of what they might be feeling, Johnna would want them to laugh. She would want them to enjoy the food that they ate and to be grateful that they had each others company. To love each other. She would be rolling over in her grave to think of them bemoaning their loss. She had recently lost her father and grandfather within a matter of months, and her mother had long since died. Elaine could still remember her mother grieving over the death of her own father. Something Anne had said then helped Elaine pull herself together and continue on with the festivities. She had told their mother, “Don't be said, momma, Papa is in Heaven now. He's a baby again. This time he gets wings.” And no matter how simplistic it may have been, it was also beautiful and comforting. Her mother hadn't died. She'd been reborn.
Elaine couldn't sleep. In just a few hours, she would be back at school. Junior high school is difficult enough without worrying that when you get back, everyone is going to treat you differently. No one knows how to act towards you, or what to say. They want to be comforting, but at the same time, they don't want to be disrespectful or awkward. She took a deep breath, walked into the kitchen for something to smother her emotions.
“You guys shouldn't have done this! It's awesome! You have no idea what this means to me!” Elaine's return had just so happened to fall on a day she dreaded every year since she was very young. Valentine's Day. Fortunately, Elaine's friends had decorated her locker with hearts and cards and filled it with chocolate. They had even went around the entire school and had people write down comforting words to make her know that she wasn't alone. They welcomed her back so warmly that the rest of the day couldn't possibly have phased her. It was amazing. She never quite realized how blessed she was. She had some of the kindest loving people thinking about her. Better people, better friends, than she ever could have imagined for herself. Beth, the closest to her of all her friends, had made her a gift. She had taken photo envelope and filled it with notes, and pictures, and all matter of thoughtful things. It was so meaningful. She knew at that moment that it was something she would aprize for the rest of her life. Seeing how much these people had thought about her made her realize that she wasn't completely alone. They would be there for her. They would take care of her. She wouldn't be alone. She wouldn't have to do it alone.
“Elaine, we have a surprise for you! A few, actually!” Ms. Yates, the choir director stood up in front of the 30 or so girls and announced that the choir had pitched in and paid to have a tree put in her family's front yard. And then Elizabeth, a newly acquired friend of hers, brought out a giant teddy bear for Elaine. It was amazing. She knew that she was going to feel silly for the rest of the day, but silly is much easier to deal with than hopeless.
Two months and twelve hours or so later. Elaine can't find the self discipline to contain her excitement. Today is her fourteenth birthday. She will have friends stay over tonight. Elizabeth (Or “Liz”) and her have cleaned out the garage at her house. Down to cleaning the floor. The party will be in there.
